Do you want me to stay?
I can tell you I’m okay
When all is said and done
Would you be the one to hear me?
Listen to my every word
As I speak nothing but the truth
Feed me lies that hypnotise me
So I think everything will be alright
But is it real enough for you?
I don’t believe it when I can’t see it
So I’ll sit here, trying to believe
That all is clear and just
For when everything is said and done
All that’s left is the shadows on the walls.
My view on depression. I was diagnosed with major depression when I was 18 after years of feeling ‘not quite right’. I hope this brings some clarity to friends and family of sufferers and support for those experiencing it.
What does it feel like?
Imagine driving along a foggy country road. Everything from 10 meters away is blanketed by a grey haze, even with the fog lights blazing, nothing seems to lift the heavy clouds that hide all thats ahead of you. This is how I would describe my experience. My emotions felt clouded, hidden by the heaviness that lay ahead of me. At first everything felt overwhelming and as a way of coping with this heaviness I went numb. Looking back I think this numbness was my minds way of allowing me to keep going to work, school, see friends. In some ways I felt like giving in to my emotions and truely feeling them would swallow me whole, leaving me incapable of carrying on with my ever busy life and instead spending days wrapped up in my blankets. Like fog, this numbness would lift without warning, leaving me in a mess of tears, anger and self hatred – why did I feel this way? Life isn’t so bad, why can’t I just be happy? Maybe I deserve this. These emotions would consume me, I couldn’t think, couldn’t talk, couldn’t explain how I felt because I didn’t know what I was feeling.
Family, friends
As my depression evolved my social circle lessened. The friends I had in high school are no longer part of my life. This caused alot of resent on my part – didn’t they care? could they not see what I was going through? After years of anger towards these people I came to a conclusion, a realisation. Depression is a hidden illness, it caused me to isolate myself, make excuses as to why I couldn’t go out, why I had to stay home. I didn’t want pity, I didn’t want people to see my weaknesses and my pain. Even if someone did reach out to help I doubt I would have accepted it, at the time I didn’t think their was anything wrong, if I couldn’t put it into words it didn’t matter, so I continued to isolate myself and eventually my friends stopped contacting me, after all they never saw me.
My parents tried to help, unfortunatly their methods proved unhelpful at the time. Stop being so sad, be more positive, you’re being silly. Although these responses came from a good place they prove to me that speaking out was useless, after all, what I was feeling was just silly apparently. I felt that I wasn’t being truely listened to and for this reason I stopped talking about what I felt and reacted with anger when prodded for ideas.
What could have helped?
Stop asking if I’m alright. The more people asked how I was the more I felt confused and alone. After opening up a frequent response was “but you’re ok, you just need to be more positive”. What I needed was someone to just listen – truely listen to what I was saying, these responses further made me angry at myself as I felt that my feelings were further confirmed to be unimportant. If I asked to be alone, they wouldn’t leave me, if I sat and tried to strike up a conversation they were too busy. Sometimes being alone was what I truely needed, some time to contemplate my thoughts and try to make sense of them in my own time. LISTENING IS KEY – sometimes quietness is better than response.
Getting Help
I had no idea that their was so much help available. I was lucky to have a great doctor who gave me time to explain what I needed and got me in contact with a great therapist. I was put on anti depressants and began going to weekly therapy sessions. At the time these didn’t feel helpful, but looking back I feel that these helped me to get to know myself again, recognise my feelings and learn how to deal with them and why I was feeling that way. Recognising what I was feeling helped me learn coping mechanisms, writing, yoga and exercise have been my main ways of destressing, giving myself some time to think and truely express and focus on what I am feeling.
Anti depressants – my experience
When I first began taking them I wasn’t prepared for the side effects as my body adjusted to them. I felt suicidal, couldn’t hold in my emotions, it was like a dam had burst and everything I had held back for so long was suddenly errupting without control. It took almost two months for me to begin feeling the positive effects. I was more stable in my moods and felt clearer, lighter as the thoughts that were locked inside me for so long had escaped.
Life now
I still experience depressive episodes, but I have learnt how to deal with them. It’s ok to take some time out to reconnect with myself – push my chores aside and just let myself stop. My view on my depression has also changed. Instead of feeling guilt and frustration during these episodes I try to view them as learning experiences, times for me to dive deeper into my own thoughts and learn something new about myself. Crying isn’t weakness – it takes strength to be honest and express who we are.
Spend too long looking back at the life I’ve left behind
Times have changed in what seems a blink of an eye
My thoughts consumed with pictures of you
Images of what could have been if I’d only known
If I’d recognised the way I feel, seen what was in front of me
Maybe I wouldn’t feel alone in this world
Lost amongst the ever evolving space between us
It’s like I’m seeing clearly for the first time
Seeing without ash covered glasses
Without the fog that’s lifting now
And I’m left without you next to me
You probably don’t remember, probably don’t think of me
For I am nothing to your world
A muffled image of what has been
And all that’s left is memories
Of what could have been, if I’d only seen without ash tinted glasses.
This is just a little place for me to express my thoughts, feelings and ideas. It’s a place for me to be truely honest – something that I feel is lacking in my life. This blog is simply a place for me to record my thoughts, writings and emotions with anonymity. Even if only I look at what is said and written, it’s somewhere for me to document my ever changing life with honesty through original poems and stories, with assistance from images that I feel further express and portray how I think and feel.
Through honesty and expression, I hope to find inner peace and uncover the truth that is sometimes lost in my thoughts.
Written words and thoughts. 